Working on ME again!

I LOVE my daughter Saya and she is and will always be my #1 priority. I also LOVE spending time with her and miss her terribly when I am away from her. I hope my message is very clear. Not trying to create any ambiguity here.

Now that I got that straightened out...

I have read time and time again that once you have a child your life will change. I have probably disagreed with that statement internally because I always associated that statement to being negative when in reality the opposite can be true. Yes, my life has changed and many changes have been for the best for which I am wholeheartedly thankful for!

This post is not about these rainbow and lollipop changes. This is about the changes in my life that haven't been positive in nature. I know you are probably thinking this is once again about my weight and you are partially right. That, I can't and won't deny but it has to be mentioned because other changes in my life have stemmed from this as well.

My main problem is that even a year later I still haven't learned to balance my life to make myself a priority as well. I feel so lost. I have taken care of everyone else BUT myself. What can I say? I am my Mother's daughter. She sacrificed herself for years for us and never took the chance to take care of herself. This is by far not a knock on my Mom whatsoever (LOVE YOU Mommy!), as this behavior was much more common back in the day than it is now. We (sibs, father and I and now my niece and nephew) were and still are her life. We have consumed every part of it not giving her time to breathe. This is exactly what is happening to me.

I've essentially let myself go in physical and mental form. I've gained weight (or more like haven't lost the baby weight) and have become hugely insecure. I've always had a low self confidence but I am at an all-time low. I've let this insecurity affect things about me that I never had issues with before. I've become less trusting of people, a little paranoid and more of an introvert than I already was. I am mean to myself and on top of that, I haven't seen my friends in forever and miss them terribly! I have become more worried what people are thinking about even if they have never met me. Now if they have known me or known of me, it makes everything worse. I am embarrassed of who I have become and I am sure it shows. It even has affected my work as I have no longer played "Superwoman" this past year. My quality of life and home life have both taken hits. I do believe that my daily life plays a big part in this mess...

Here is a little taste of my current daily life:

5am            - wake-up, shower, get ready
6am to 7am - commute to work
4pm            - commute home
5:30pm       - pick-up Saya from daycare
6:00pm       - Make dinner for family and feed Saya
7:30pm       - Bath time for Saya baby
8:00pm       - Saya's final play time and wind down time before bed
9:00pm       - Bed time for both (still co-sleeping)

... and it repeats day after day and has for the last 5+ months.

By any chance, did any of you notice any available time for "me-time"? Yeah, me either. I "try" to squeeze in housework, maybe some dishes and laundry before bed but sometimes, Saya makes it impossible, especially when she tries to put everything and their mother in her mouth. And when it comes to bed time, the ONLY thing I can do is watch TV or read a book on my Nook once Saya is asleep. Can't even talk to the hubs since he usually doesn't get home from work until close to midnight. He's been working second shift for the last two years and sometimes I feel like I have seen him more when we were dating then now. If you knew how little we saw each other when we were dating, you would understand how rough this is because at least then we were guaranteed weekends together. Now I know this kind of schedule may work for some but this just isn't me at all.

I'm exhausted, insecure, negative, bored and lonely and I am SO ready for change! All this nonsense has taken away from me living the life I want to live (with my family of course) and since I am the only one who has control of my own happiness, I have to start now! I'm so done complaining! What I have to do is start working on ME again!

In the short-term I need to:

• Get myself back in shape and healthy again for no one else but ME
• Get myself on a schedule of my choosing
• Have "me" time
• Make time for my friends and schedule more play dates
• Complete the projects I have been wanting to work on
• Get myself back in physical, mental, emotional and financial shape
• Set some short-term realistic goals
• Be more positive again
• Stop making excuses
• Hold myself accountable for my short-comings
• Stop being so darn lazy

Even with all of this, I do realize that these changes won't happen over night but as long as I am working on them, I can feel like I am accomplishing something. 

Having said all this...I am happy to report that a few changes are already in progress. By the end of this week or latest next week, we are transitioning Saya back into her room but instead of a crib, she will have a nice and soft new mattress and a toddler bed to sleep on. This will give me some "me" time back, not to mention I will get my bed back. Call me selfish (and I don't care)... but I will also get to cuddle with my long lost hubby. Because this too is important! Parents need their alone time and bedtime should be it.

I have also started working out which I haven't done in for-ev-er! I have to remember to take it slow though. I am the kind of person that wants to do a ton of things and am determined to do them but jump too fast too soon. If I start out a little slower, I know I will actually stick with any program of my choosing.

As I work on getting back to ME again, I will document my journey because I am pretty sure I am not alone on this. For me, it is comforting to know that there are people who understand what you are going through completely. We all get broken down at some point in our life. Being able to express it truthfully is one positive step forward!


Now how's that for some honesty?


If you are a Mommy that has found balance (KUDOS to you!), help a sista out! Share some of your tips and tricks!